the Magic word

I find I'm always looking for that magical word from God: "Ruth, do this." "Ruth, do that" "Ruth, marry this person" "Ruth, move there." I've come to realize not only am I not good at trusting God, I don't want to trust Him. That involves often a lengthy process with pain and setbacks along the way. See, if God just gave me the magical words, I wouldn't have to go through all of that. I would just know. But that is often not how God works. In fact, when He does give those magical words, it oftens comes when we aren't seeking after it or it comes through a process of seeking. God wants to know, "Do you trust me? Do you believe in a great God?" Its as scripture says, "We walk by faith not by sight." Am I okay with that? I'm often fighting with God about that..."Just tell me already!" but God says, "Wait and see. Keep walking with me and I will guide you." My pastor has said many times, "Its not about great faith but faith in a great God!" If I truly believe that I serve a great God, then what am I worrying about? Oh Lord, transform my heart and mind to behold the TRUE God, a GREAT God!

Wisdom

The last couple of months, I have been specifically praying for wisdom as well as reading through the book of Proverbs, one for each day. When I started praying for wisdom, I didn't have a particular circumstance in mind, just wisdom in general. I have found something very interesting, which I shouldn't be surprised by, but I didn't see it coming. My heart for God and desire to know Him and follow His will, His desires for my life, have grown from just lip-service to the true desire of my heart. Proverbs says that the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. I didn't realize that when I was praying for wisdom, I was praying to know God more intimately. I seemed to think that wisdom was just praying for special knowledge in a certain circumstance, but true wisdom is knowing God and His heart. As you know Him more, His will becomes more evident; His word becomes more alive.

May we grow in wisdom and knowledge of our Lord and Savior each day.

Be Still

You know how it is when it seems God really wants to get a message across to you? You keep hearing the same message in sermons/talks, songs you listen to, or just words playing in your head. The message for me as of late? "Be still and know that I am God." I'm learning to let go (and learning that I haven't really let go all these years in many ways) and entrust my life to Jesus. Its not fitting Him into my life its molding my life to His. I want Him to live my life through me not the other way around. Remember how God gave Abraham the promise of a son at 75! It wasn't till 25 years later that he got his son....after he tried to help God carry out His promise. God doesn't need our help. I'm still trying to figure out, however, what "Be still" means because I don't think it means that we just sit around and do nothing...I think it has to do more with the state of your heart and mind more than anything else. Haven't got it all figured out but I'm learning the importance of letting go and trusting that right now is God's best for me.

sometimes

Sometimes you just have one of those days--call it lack of sleep, high humidity, stress, so on--where you don't feel inspired or hopeful. Everything seems wrong and yet nothing seems wrong either. These are days when you have to walk by faith not by emotion. I've been so blessed being here that often times when I say "I love living here. I'm enjoying being single" I really mean it. But then I have times when I don't exactly feel that way and must walk in faith knowing that I serve a faithful, loving, and powerful God.

This morning on my walk to work, I had to remind myself of that. I often am like the Israelites who would see God deliver them time and time again with His mighty hand and they would praise Him. But then when another challenge would come along, they would forget about this All-Mighty, All-Powerful, All-Loving God! So on my way to work I was trying to avoid this ever-so-common-scenario in my life and think on how God has delivered me in amazing ways. I certainly have plenty of stories, especially in the past two years since I have been living in NYC. The joy, the growth, the protection, the "coincidences", the opportunities, its marvelous. I feel God's pleasure on me...truly. So this is what I have to remind myself of when I have days like this.

One of the verses that I have been clinging to is that God's foolishness is wiser than man's wisdom. I love this because it reminds me how limited my vision and knowledge is and that God knows way more than I do what I truly want and truly need. Praise God that I don't have to carve out my own story.

It gets better

I was telling my dad today that each year in NYC just gets better. The Lord has truly blessed me here and I am so thankful. I just found out today that two good friends from church will be moving down the road from me, Stacey, and Tracy. A little neighborhood community is forming! You expect this sort of thing in college but in NYC as professionals? Not really. I thought back today about how lonely I was my first year in NYC. I didn't have very many friends and was often alone. My church was definitely my family and I felt well loved there but I didn't have many friends there my age who wanted to hang out outside of church, which I needed. I contemplated trying other churches and joining groups from other churches but I felt God saying, wait out, stay there and be faithful. In the last nine months, He has brought at least four individuals to NYC and to Graffiti who will be staying for awhile and are in my stage/age of life. God allows us to experience valleys in our life to teach, mold, and mature us and then brings us into a land of blessing. This season of my life I feel so blessed and thankful for all that the Lord is doing. He is growing a young adults ministry and personally filling my life with greater joy and meaning than I thought possible at times before. How great that God's vision and plans are FAR greater and better than our limited ones.

hosting

I've always known my parents have the gift of hospitality and how it blessed so many people. Since moving to NY I've seen to an even greater degree how valuable that gift is. I hope I can somewhat fulfill their shoes. Last night I was invited I was invited over for dinner from a group of girls from church. I couldn't go but their offer was greatly appreciated and meant a lot to me. Tonight a group of friends from church came over for dinner...last minute. It was a joy making them dinner and giving them a place to hang out for the evening. In NYC you don't get many home cooked meals and homes to relax in. Usually if I meet up with friends, we meet at a restaurant or a coffee shop. in other words, we are spending money. it is such a blessing to open your home and have people be able to relax at your place and eat home cooked food--a little taste of home that we all miss.

Almost a year gone by!

I can't believe the school year is almost done!  It flies by so fast. I remember at the beginning of the year, talking with various teachers telling me that I would make it.  There would be times when I didn't think I would, but I would make it.  And indeed, by God's grace and guidance, I have not only made it but it has been a successful year in many ways (mostly me learning).  

If you were to talk to me, I couldn't help but talk about my job.  I love the students, even though they can drive me crazy at times, and each day is different.  I love the sense of humor of my students.  "Ms. Cogan's a G!"-don't worry, that's a good thing, apparently.  "Ms. Cogan, you make a difference."  "Thanks Brian, you don't get extra credit, though."  I've also gotten a kick out of Day 16 (named after "Making the Band" band, Day 26), which consists of five of my boys that write songs and perform at the end of my class (great classroom management strategy...they can perform at the end of class if the whole class is "good").  The group is five sixteen year old boys with the following nationalities: Greek, Philipino, Dominican, Arminian, and Chinese...now that is New York City at its best.  Can't beat the diversity.

The constant challenge of teaching is learning how to let your personality shine through but practicing "tough love" at the same time.  I have kind of a sarcastic, joking personality that has a hard time yelling at people or even saying things in a stern way (unless you are my family, sorry :))  However, when it comes to teenagers, or any age for that matter, you need to let them know when they have crossed the line and help them see when they are in the wrong before they have crossed the line.  It can drive me crazy how many times I have to repeat myself or talk to the same student over and over about the same thing.  My students see my personality (I often see the looks they give each other saying, "Ms. Cogan is crazy!") which often means cheesy jokes and sassy glances and phrases.

With this, however, I'm learning that even though I want to respond to every one of their comments, I don't always have to have the last word.  There is great wisdom in ignoring...a trick my mom taught me at a young age.  And, I don't have to let them have the last word either..."Shaun, please move to the front of the room."..."But, Ms. Cog..." "Thank you, Shaun."  If I wait for him to TRY to convince me that he shouldn't move, I've wasted class time b/c he is not going to change my mind.  I just don't let them give their argument.  When I say thank you, I look away and immediately start teaching again.  This does not give them the opportunity to try and they know I mean business.

The greatest challenge of all?  A good one to continue to think, meditate, and pray on: How do I reflect Christ to my students, how do I love my students with Christ's love, with my own unique personality and gifts?  This is a great question no matter what profession or stage of life you are in.

The power of GRACE!

A couple of weeks ago, I was listening to a discipleship talk by Eric Ludy on my way to work in the morning via my ipod. This particular session was on grace. Some of his words particularly struck me. He talked about how in modern Christianity, we have often boiled down "grace" to mean that Jesus saved us from our sins. This is true...He did save us from our sins but grace is so much more than that. Ludy talks about how the Biblical references to grace deal with the power of God in our lives...the power to change and transform us. God is the God of the impossible doing mighty things in our lives! Modern Christianity often says, "Its ok, man, that you made a mistake. We all sin. We are human." Well, once again, this is true but this is almost a defeatist kind of thinking. God can and will transform us more and more as we reach eternity (sort of like limits in math...you get really close to the value but never quite reach it). This is us as we mature in Christ. We get (or should get) really close to being like Christ but will not quite reach it till heaven. The problem is many of us try to change ourselves and then continue to get frustrated when we don't see change. We must offer it up and daily say, "God, transform me. Do the impossible in me!" If I look back at my life over the last six months even, I can see that God is working and transforming me. I am not who I used to be. And I trust that another six months from now, I will say the same thing.

God's grace is not just Him saving us from our sins but it is also His transforming power in our lives to testify about Him in this broken and fallen world. May you know and experience the power of God in your life--His grace!

Roommates

You know, when you are living away from home, you need good roommates. People that you can depend on, laugh with, talk with, and just share life with. Stacey and Tracy are just that. They are pretty great. We are all different yet get along so well. All three of us are teachers so we have similar schedules, same days off, and lots and lots of stories! If you were to sit in our apartment on a given night, several things could happen (besides the shouts and smells of Fulton street). Stacey often comes home and has a story to tell about one of her sped kids. Tracy comes home with stories of how she has to "whip" her students into shape and show them who is in charge. My kids are older but nonetheless, are teenagers so everyday I am reminded of my highschool years and how in a few years time, things have changed for our youth (can we say, Pokemon?)

My favorite are the days when I come home and Stacey has picked up something sweet for a treat or Tracy decides she is in one of her baking moods. Be on the lookout for Tracy's Bakery coming in the near future. Then there is the countless episodes of "Lost" we have watched and analyzed and analyzed some more together. We've spent many hours working out together and being okay with the fact that we look ridiculous doing squats in our living room!

Being that we are women, we are constantly chatting. There is usually friendly teasing taking place and at times, serious discussions about our past and current issues of life. We listen, offer our bit of wisdom and move on to the next topic at hand.

Weekends we like to explore. We never will exhaust the restaurants to try and there is always a farmers or flea market to explore. We walk quite a bit in this city just exploring.

The list goes on and out of respect for my roommates, I won't reveal everything about them :) but if you are curious, come visit. Many have enjoyed our hospitality. I'm thankful this day (and everyday) for great roommates that I deeply enjoy spending time with and getting to know. A true blessing in a city where it is easy to get lost in the crowd.

Its Thursday!

Whew...I'm almost through. Its Thursday. My roommates and I love getting to this night. Our favorite shows are on and we mostly take the night off knowing that we just have one more day to get through. Stacey and I were just talking tonight how once we are at work, we actually don't mind being there. I love my students and co-workers and you just get into a groove. Its the waking up part thats the hardest part of the day. Thats why we need the weekend, to rest, even if you still have work that needs to get done...its rest from the regular routine.

So I teach a health elective to a section of 10th graders. Fortunately for me, I also teach them math. Its funny because on Mondays, we literally go from health to math the next period. They are a great group of kids. Its been so good for me to "teach" this class (since I'm the expert). its got me thinking quite a bit. Oh boy, Ruth, hear you go again, thinking. Well, this is important thinking. There are so many things I tell my students to do or suggest to them. I bring up the fact that I am older and have hind sight as a friend and also have learned from when I was there age. We discuss a lot of topics like drugs, alcohol, nutrition, dieting and sex--yes, I know, I'm supposed to be shedding my wisdom on sex. I straight up told them abstinence was the way to go but they are always allowed to disagree with me. Two major things have happened with me as I've taught these kids. One is the desire to protect and shield them. These kids, way more than I was and way more than most teens in the country, being that they are in NYC, have every kind of lie thrown at them everyday. Media is everywhere in the city. Condom and alcohol posters in the subway along with other provocative ads in their face. They know so much and yet so little. Its not hard to find drugs, alcohol, and sex in this "land of opportunity." Wealth and poverty intermingle as well as broken and disappointed homes. I don't care what the studies say: these kids don't need me to tell them more about their options, they need truth! And you know what, they are hungry for it! I'm not going to tell them they just need to practice safe sex...EVERYONE is telling them that. I'm going to tell them something different. These kids are hungry for something more and they get caught in the trap and lies of this world that tell them they need more clothes, a significant other, and to fit in. It breaks my heart to see so many people fall into these same traps. Why are we afraid to stand up for the truth?
This brings me to my second point: Will I be that example? it is so easy to say one thing and do another. I don't want to buy into the lies of this world. I want to be transformed. Guess what? That means our lives look different! Why should I try to hide myself in this world? I have the truth and have been set free...why don't I live that way? My kids don't need another "cool" teacher. I know on one hand, its not about what we do, but lets be real, people are watching us. I know my students are and they need a teacher who is loving, yet firm, steadfast, patient, confident, and practicing what she is preaching. They want to see someone with a moral backbone because deep down, they want that too. They need to be touched by Christ's love, not my "coolness." Are we willing to look different? Christ didn't say we would blend in but rather be a lamp on a hill.
May we be more of Christ for the hurting individuals He has put in our path!

Disciplined freedom?

I was listening to a sermon the other day by Tim Keller, pastor of Redeemer Presbyterian in NYC. He was talking about how people do not like Christianity because it restricts their freedom. Jesus calls us to give up our lives to him and not live for ourselves. Lets be honest, on our own, we want to follow our desires and ideas of what is best. Keller brings in the verse where Jesus says, "The truth shall set you free!" Now Christians believe that that truth is Jesus-He is the way, the truth, and the life! So how does this truth, then, bring freedom? Doesn't Christianity call us to do certain things and not do others? Well yes on one hand. Keller makes the point on how truth with conditions brings a deeper and truer freedom than we would have known. For example, he mentions fish. A fish is restricted to the water. But thats not fair, a fish should have the freedom to go wherever it wants to. Well, a fish can go wherever it wants to but if it goes out of the water, it eventually dies. Hmm...I think the fish will stick to its restriction so that it can enjoy the full freedom of the waters.

I've thought about this principle specifically with discipline. Many of us cringe at the word discipline...it seems restrictive and spoils our fun, right? Well, thats what it feels like but I've found a truly disciplined life brings a deeper, truer freedom and joy than living otherwise. A couple of examples from my own life: I come home a couple of days ago from visiting family upstate. My roommates were still in MI since we are on Spring Break. One of my roommates had cleaned the kitchen before we left but the rest of the apartment was a dump....seriously. Immediately, I start to feel myself getting stressed out. "I can't relax in this mess!" So, the next day I spent several hours (literally) cleaning. Now, wouldn't it be nice to never have to clean and have the discipline of having a clean home? Um, I'm learning the answer to that is...not possible! You have to be disciplined to clean because guess what, I feel more relaxed when I do! I would rather be disciplined in cleaning (hopefully doing it more often so that I don't have to spend several hours on it) so that I can be relaxed and not stressed out.

How about being disciplined about eating healthy and exercising? Now, I'm a normal person, I enjoy food and sweets, hello! But do I need to eat junk and sit all day long? Please no. Sounds nice until I feel sick, gross, and depressed. No, I would rather exercise regularly and indulge in the occasional treat so that I feel energized, refreshed, and enjoying life!

These are simple exampes to say that living according to the conditions that Jesus gave us brings us a deeper, truer freedom and joy than we could have prescribed for ourselves.

Joy in the preparation

Have you ever heard the phrase, "Your college years are the best years of your life." Yikes, everything is down hill from there? Thankfully, I can honestly say that right now I am experiencing the best years of my life. I pray that each phase of my life I can say that. I have found great joy in getting up each day and teaching hormonal, ungrateful teenagers. I write that with a smile on my face because it reminds me of my teenage years. Thank you teachers and family for putting up with me!

The last couple of weeks have been quite amazing for me. Oh sure, nothing extraordinary occurred in my life but inwardly, God is at work. I remember my college years and after graduation wondering why I was still single. What is wrong with me? Why is God punishing me? I am thankful to say that God has given me great joy in the preparation. Words cannot express it enough. I am not just accepting the fact that I am single, I am enjoying it! Praise God for His mercy on us! I feel God's pleasure and love on me at this time. He wants me to be a woman of excellence and guess what, my future husband is going to appreciate a woman of excellence MUCH more than a woman who has been sitting around impatiently waiting for him to finally show up. God is slowly tranforming me into a woman whose thoughts reflect God's. I do not need to dwell on my fears and critical thoughts of others. I do not need to complain about people or events that come my way. It is just not honoring to Him. I want to turn my song of bitterness into songs of joy and thanksgiving! Oh and the preparation gets pretty technical too. Why do I think when I get married I'll suddenly be good at cleaning my place on a regular basis and organizing my things? Why will I all of a sudden stop eating cereal for dinner? Why will I all of a sudden start keeping a budget? No, now is the time to a disciplined, responsible adult. Yes, there is great joy in the preparation. I'm excited about who God is making me into and the life He has given me. I'm not going to wallow in self-pity (call me out if I do) but rather rejoice in this time. God is doing a great thing. I can trust that if God is doing a work in me, He is doing a work in THAT man, whoever THAT man is!

May you enjoy whatever phase of life you are in now and allow God to continue to transform your lives, thoughts, and words! For all you single women out there, YOU ARE NOT A VICTIM! God is blessing you and shaping you. Let Him do it!